东流影院

When you're married or in a long-term relationship, some things are better left unsaid. 成亲以后，好像处在耐久的恋爱讨论中的时候，有一些话已经不说为好。

Below, marriage therapists and other experts share 10 phrases and statements to strike from your vocabulary now. 底下，婚配考虑师和其他巨匠给咱们共享了要从咱们的语库中划掉的10个短语和句子。

1. “You never do the dishes. You always just leave them sitting there.” “你从来齐不洗碗，老是把它们扔在那就不管了。”

The dishes are a placeholder for pretty much anything here. Whatever the issue, using accusatory blanket terms like “never” and “always” tends to end the same way every time: with you and your boo engaged in an overblown argument. Plus, there's a good chance your generalization is wrong, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in Takoma Park, Maryland. 来自马里兰州塔科马帕克的心理学家萨曼莎·罗德曼说，这里的碗碟不错用任何事物代替。无论是什么问题，只好用到“从来不”、“老是”等充满挑剔意味的空洞性字眼，每次齐会导致同样的后果：你和伴侣大吵一架。而且，你的空洞很有可能是失实的。

“Nothing is black and white so telling a partner that she's never on time or he's always selfish can't be right,” she told The Huffington Post. “These types of statements only lead to a prosecutor-defendant dynamic, which is not what you want in your marriage.” 她对《赫芬顿邮报》说：“莫得什么事口角黑即白的，是以对伴侣说她从来莫得准时过或他老是很自利，并不好。这些话只会导致你们连接往还挑剔和辩解，这并不是你在婚配里念念要的。”

2. “You sound exactly like your mother.” “你和你妈话语一模一样。”

When arguing, stick to the issue at hand and keep the focus on the two of you. Introducing nasty comparisons to your in-laws is unfair and ultimately a diversion from your problems, said Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage. 婚配与家庭考虑师、《幸福婚配指南》的作家莎伦·吉尔克里斯特·奥尼尔说，吵架的时候，要专注于目下问题，把焦点放在你们两个东谈主身上。把对方父母牵连进来进行相比的作念法相配可恶，招架正，最终也偏离了你们自己的问题。

“Mentioning parents can easily become mean-spirited attacks that interfere with the couple's ability to address the underlying issues,” she told HuffPost. 她对《赫芬顿邮报》说：“说起父母就很有可能酿成暴戾的抨击，影响两边处理目下问题的才气。”

3. “You think you're better than everyone else!” “你是不是以为我方很了不得！”

Never put words in your partner's mouth or in this case, thoughts in their head. There's no way of knowing what someone is feeling or thinking, so keep the assumptions to yourself, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas. 来自阿肯色州小岩城的婚配与家庭考虑师贝基·惠茨通说，永恒不要对伴侣说这句话，好像，即使这样说了，也不要让他们认为你真这样念念。了解他东谈主的心理或念念法是不成能的，是以这样的假定留给你我方就好。

“These statements are aggravating because your spouse knows that what you're accusing them of is not true,” she said. “What you're saying suggests you don't think very highly of your S.O. It's a double dose of pain in one sentence.” 她说：“这样的话容易激化矛盾，因为对方认为你的挑剔子虚。而且，你说的话标明你对对方的评价不高。是以，这句话包含了双重伤害。”

4. “Do I look like I've put on weight?” “我是不是胖了？”

“What you really mean by asking this is, 'I know I've put on weight. I'm unhappy about how I look and I need you to say that you're OK with my current state.'” she said. “These types of questions are all about side-stepping personal responsibility, plus they force your partner into an enabling role,” said Robyn Wahlgast, a dating and relationship coach for women. “你问这句话的真实真谛是'我知谈我体重增多了，我不欢娱我的形势，我需要你说你对我的近况很欢娱'。回话这些问题齐不是必要的个东谈主累赘，而且这种问题极度于在阻挡伴侣去确认激发你的作用，”女性约聚和恋爱疏导师萝宾·沃尔葛斯特如是说。

5. “Have you put on a few pounds?” “你是不是胖了？”

Blunt, negative remarks to your spouse about his or her appearance are also out of line. 直白、萎靡地驳斥妃耦的外貌也跳跃了红线。

“Unconstructive criticism of physical appearance is as bad as it gets,” Whetstone said. “It's painful because you're suggesting that your partner isn't good enough or that they're less than or defective.” “毫无助益地品评外貌，要多糟有多糟，”惠茨通说。“这样很伤东谈主，因为你在默示你的伴侣不够好、差那么少量、有纰谬。”

6. “You're a horrible parent, breadwinner, lover...” “你是个倒霉的家长/方丈的/爱东谈主……”

Put-downs centered around your spouse's family or occupational roles are particularly cruel, said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida. 臆造你妃耦的家庭或奇迹脚色相配阴毒，弗罗里达迈阿密滩市心理调理师M·加里·诺依曼说。

“Negative statements about our self-identities are devastating,” he said. “These roles are so important and tender. When they're questioned, we feel completely torn down. It becomes hard to forget statements like this.” 他说：“萎靡评价个东谈主身份的后果是烧毁性的。咱们的脚色遑急又脆弱，它们一朝被质疑，咱们就嗅觉所有这个词崩溃了。咱们也很铭刻掉这样的话。”

7. “Ugh, I hate when you do that.” (Said in front of friends or family.) （当着一又友或家东谈主的面说）“呃，我敌视你那么作念。”

Putting your spouse down in front of others is a huge no-no in a relationship, said Whetstone. 惠茨通说，当着他东谈主的面臆造妃耦是婚配与恋爱讨论中万万不成作念的事。

“In this example, you are gathering people against your spouse — and what is worse than that? It is hard to recover from such a boundary violation,” she said. “It causes resentment and a lack of trust.” 她说：“在这种情况中，你在召集人人反对你的妃耦——比这更糟的是，你很难求得对方见原这样越界的事，对方会为此归罪，不再信任你。”

8. “I barely know him — he's just someone I work with.” “我不怎样了解他——他即是和我沿途责任的东谈主汉典。”

It's almost inevitable that you or your partner will develop a small, innocent crush on someone at some point during your marriage. If that happens, be upfront about it. Don't try to sweep it under the rug with a statement that minimizes your feelings, said Wahlgast. 沃尔葛斯特说，在你们的婚配讨论中，不成幸免地，伴侣或你在某个工夫会对其他东谈主产生一种渺小的、单纯的好感。淌若这样的事果然发生，就要直面问题。不要浮光掠影地一说，躲避你的情感。

“The best way to neutralize the potential destructiveness of your crush is to briefly and simply acknowledge it to your spouse,” she said. “Try saying to your husband, 'I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have a bit of a crush on that new consultant. He's so funny — his sense of humor reminds me of yours.'” “你对别东谈主的好感对你们的讨论有潜在的烧毁性危机，化解这一危机的最佳口头即是向你的妃耦长话短说地承认事实。”她说，“试着对你丈夫说'我知谈这听起来很纵脱，但我对阿谁新来的参谋人有点儿好感。他很风趣，他的幽默感让我念念到了你。'”

Though it may be an uncomfortable subject to broach, ultimately, Wahlgast said being transparent about your feelings “will create more openness with your partner. You'll each feel more comfortable bringing up other taboo subjects in a kind and respectful way.” 尽管这个问题可能不好启齿，但沃尔葛斯特说，直露你的情感最终“会让你和你的伴侣愈加坦诚相待。你们也会以友好、彼此尊重的口头提议其他禁忌话题，两边齐会感到更安稳。”

9. “You shouldn't feel that way.” “你不该那么念念。”

There's nothing more belittling or condescending than telling your spouse what he should or shouldn't be feeling in any given situation, Rodman said. 罗德曼说，莫得什么比告诉你的妃耦他或她在某种情况下应该或不应该怎样念念更傲然睥睨、更臆造东谈主了。

“There is no right or wrong way for someone to feel,” she said. “Feelings are what they are; try to understand your partner and be curious about his experience rather than dismissing what you don't understand.” 她说：“一个东谈主怎样念念莫得对错，嗅觉即是嗅觉，不成捉摸；要试着去清醒你的伴侣，问下他怎样得来这样的体验，而不是否定你不睬解的事”。

10. “Don't wait up for me.” “毋庸等我了。”

This seemingly innocent remark suggests you're not going to bed at the same time, a habit that can be damaging to your relationship, said Wahlgast. 沃尔葛斯特说，这个看起来没什么问题的言论标明你们不策画在归并时间休眠，这个习气会碎裂你们的讨论。

“You should view shared bedtime as a way to strengthen your connection with your partner — it's a powerful form of physical intimacy, with or without sex,” she said. “Saying OK to separate bedtimes enables behaviors that destroy intimacy, such as solitary porn-watching and flirty messaging with friends or co-workers.” “你应该把相通的休眠时间视作与伴侣加强讨论的一种口头——对守护肌肤亲密相配有用，与性无关，”她说。“容许有不同的休眠时间，容易产生碎裂亲密讨论的步履，比如独自看色情片，或与一又友、共事发迟滞短信。”

Vocabularyaccusatory：质问的，挑剔的aggravating：激愤的，恶化的defective：有纰谬的；不完满的broach：提议；运转讨论

英文开首：赫芬顿邮报译者：实习生孙好意思真编审：杜娟东流影院